Monster Mash

Sun, 13 May 2007 23:26:40 GMT

new journal:: livejournal.com/users/monsterrr_x

My weekend:

Friday went home and Joelene came over, I've missed her a lot >_<
We went to Davids house for a bonfire.
It was going to be just a few people,
Me, Joelene, David, Davids friend Colin, Bobby, Troy, Terry, and Kris.
We had a fire and and Troy hadn't shown up yet with the alcohol.
At the end it was, Me, Joelene, David, Nelson, Colin, Tom,Troy, Terry, Kris, Brian Machoo(sp) and his girlfriend, Cara, Charlie, Josh, Nikkai, Kara, and Bobby.
I was the only sober person. People where shitfaced and baked.
In summary I spent the night making sure Colin, who told me he was Tarzan while he had a cookie tin on his head and a bottle of vodka in his hand while in a tree, fall out of the tree and jump to other trees and watching over Nelson, who passed out because he drank way to much. He threw up at least ten times and at least twice on me. I had to shake him and yell at him to get up every 15 minutes to make sure he was okay, and continually roll him over on his side so he didnt choke on his own puke or because he had laid in it. I was miserable and cold, Nelson had one of my jackets because he only had on a white beater. everyone was still drinking and getting stoned, and during this Davids parents, who had been watching us for about an hour walked up to us because they noticed there daughter Kara was hitting the bowl and they werent pleased about that, soooo then that is when Nelson got sick, and she helped me watch nelson, and then around 11:30 they went back to the house...and there I was with nelson, who we couldnt move, with me Denise, davids mom, and Tom, Denises boyfriend...so then around 1 people went to sleep, at 2:30 Kris, Troy, and Terry, all baked, decided to go back to Terry's house where there where beds, because the tents were full. I was still up making the fire..so Nelson who was passed out near wouldnt freeze, and colin..who passed out under a bush who i couldnt move...so I just kinda sat there near nelson...still passed out and rolling into his puke...and cried. then Joelene and David came back out and helped make a fire and then 10 minutes later went back to sleep..i couldnt sleep, I wasnt even that tired at this point, just hungry...and ugh. it wasnt fun at all. So whatever we go back to davids house at like 5:30 in the morning and passout for a bit..then wake up and have some cereal, go home around 4:30.

so I felt pretty shitty all day around 6 Will calls and wants to see Spiderman 3, and it made me feel better that I had a friend that didnt get shitfaced and put me in awkward situations, so i felt a lot better just by that...then horray horray, his mom got drunk and wouldnt let him leave the house..

so in sum fuck alcohol and shitty nights.

Sun, 13 May 2007 21:01:00 GMT

Sat, 12 May 2007 19:09:24 GMT

fuck being a good person.

Fri, 04 May 2007 19:05:13 GMT

I'm alone.

Tue, 01 May 2007 21:53:00 GMT

AJ, Josh, and Greg are definitely the coolest kids around.
hahaha ^_^

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 18:55:47 GMT

I really want to make people happy,
but really I feel like I'm lost in a fog most of the time.
I don't always mind.
School can not get over fast enough either.
I hate school more than anything.
It amazing how much time people waste making fun of each other.
People bring so much shit on themselves, and are so hypocritical...
which it fine..to a point..then its just ridiculous. For the most part I just stopped talking to people from school...in and out of school.
In the last two months I've started Capoeria, a Brazilian martial arts...its really amazing. I have been depressed/lonely..twice in the last two months. I used to be miserable to say the least. Its really amusing how I got into it too, but oh well =)
The people I train with are amazing too. I rather be around them than almost anyone from school, and I love being outside all the time and getting back into gymnastics type stuff. Schools been good too, I have an A in Math and Chemistry so far this quarter which were D's and F's before, I really think a lot of it has to do with my mood and not being so stressed. The last to days have been pretty off for me though. I feel pretty numb...hopefully it will go away tomorrow or at least by Wednesday...I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I'll finish laterr.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 01:34:49 GMT

You decide what your life will be like,
and how you feel about life.
It is true, that some people get short handed in life,
and go through horrible experiences.
Its also very true, that people dwell in their sorrow
entirely too much. To dwell on something, is sometimes necessary
to get an understanding of something, but the majority of the time
is really very pointless. Everything that you may dwell on is
either in the past or in the future. Your personal happiness,
is the most important thing in life. Take in everything in your life thats good
and be satisfied realize how much worse it can be.

cont. later.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:23:46 GMT

It really does bother me how much people take for granted. I wish they spent even 5 minutes more thinking about what they have verse what they dont have. For the most part, theres really no need to be sad. Its just you blowing things up into something there not, and not thinking about anything good in your life, and I dont care who you are, theres plenty of it.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 19:21:02 GMT

TheMonsterX

Beccosaurus

ABOUT ME:
I love meeting new people, I'm a ninja, and I make the most of everything :)

Create Your Own Card

Add Me ^_^

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 05:00:36 GMT

We're sinking in this river,
Trying to pull our heads out of the persing cold water,
But its not as beautiful as it we thought it would be,
But its free, and the air up here is clear.
You can see the sights for miles,
and you can see that the flowers are blooming.

Love is what completes us,
and what keeps us alive.
To love can be painful,
but to be inlove is the root of all stableness.
Once your inlove you inlove forever.
Theres no turning back and you are safe.
Oh so safe.

Pretty good weekend.
Emilys on friday of course.
We ate chinese food and watched some movies,
and talk about how ignorant everyone has become.
People barely know anything about eachother and even their friends.
In class on Thursday we went around the room taking about a big change in our lives and everything people said was amazing.
I was really happy to hear about a lot of the kids.
I wish people could be open all the time.
Its nice...almost comforting.

ps.
Pokemon is fun :]

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 05:37:07 GMT

I dont even now where to start. I want more than anything to be happy, I'm realizing how I was never truely happy.
I spent my childhood hiding my depression from my parents so tha tthey wouldnt kill themselves. I sacrafice everything I can to people, and I help them , and I am a good moral person. I refuse to hurt anyone no matter if it means hurting myself. I am openen to any one and everyone.
When I meet someone I clearly judge them by their appearance, but I throw it away and realize that they can be completely different. I am so proud of who I am and what I've gone through, yet I am not happy.
I always want to cry and hurt myself.
I feel so alienated and incomplete from the rest of the world, and I'm realizing that this is only because of who I am.
And that I truely care so much to the point where nothing I do will ever be good enough. People dont even notice the things I do and the amounts of my energy I take out of my life and give to other people. I want to see more people in the world that dont care so much about themselfs, because there are people who truely have nothing, and its not fair. I want everyone to be equal, because we are just people, and we all deserve to have the same opportunities regardless of any outside situation.
I dont even know what I'm saying anymore.
I just want to be happy. I want to have someone who can tell me that I'm a good person. I want to be recognized for what I do, and I jwant to help...this is all really pointless because none of it makes any sense.

I just dont know what to do anymore. and its so hard to realize that I'm not going to be happy for a while. It makes me want to cry.

Ugh

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 21:38:04 GMT

Home alone..
all weekend.
no ones been
here since yesterday
before I got up.
No friends.
No ride anywhere.
No food in my fucking house.
so fucking cold.

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 06:26:50 GMT

Everyone else stop whinning.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 22:37:08 GMT

Where Is My Sunshine?

I feel the wind blow through my fingure tips,
so many things are slipping away,
there out of my reach
I reach for a branch on my favorite oak tree,
and I can't grab it,
I just want to see from a whole new view,
because everything is blurry and cold,
my figures are being numb to the bone
and my blood is starting to freeze as it is running through my veins.
Where is the sunshine that was forcasted?
Where is the sunshine to brighten up this day?
Where is the sunshine to press against my face?
I really just want to feel a warm touch against my face
Something to feel more like home,
like the days when I was sitting inside
and I was infront of the fire where the embers burned bright,
and everything melted away.
and everything just melted away.
Where is the sunshine that was promised to reach me,
now that I'm on the outside of this window,
Looking into warm rooms with smiling faces?
Where is the door to get in,
I just want to get in
to where I can feel my own plus and the steady beat in my chest,
because nothing seems really right now,
its to cold to move as I stand here shaking
Waiting for my sunshine, or a way to get in
all I want is to be some where warm
where I can feel alive.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 05:34:59 GMT

This is make you smile.

Just some thoughts.

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 21:13:35 GMT

I'm so tired of hearing people be so disrespectful, selfish, narrow minded, hippocritical, and ungreatful.
We all live beautiful lives, and people shouldn't worry about people who lie to them, make stuff up about them, or just make them feel like shit for one reason or another, because clearly people like that aren't even worth you'r time. Go out and find people who are worth your time, and forget who they are known as or how they look, because really no ones the same, no ones cool, no ones should have who their friends are decided by a bunch of stuck up people who believe that they are better than one another.

I'm starting to realize that any negitive emotion, is a waste of energy. Of course everyone has to be upset sometimes, but when something goes wrong, remember the tons of other things that make you happy in life..no matter what they are.

Become someone you would look up too an enjoy, cause if you like who you are, thats something you willl have forever and no one will ever be able to take it away from you or change.

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 07:54:05 GMT

good weekend.

I'm content for now.

Maybe I'll get some more sleep tonight:]

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:41:18 GMT

Last night was goood.
Went home from school to Emlys with Ericaa =)
We went cause we wanted to see Charlie play his show, and he was amazing. Very stoked for him.
And one of the other band member.....only Emily knows what I'm talking about. lmao, but we also wanted to make sure Charlie was doin alright. Yesterday was a bit too dramatic. Stuff with Cara and Charlie happened, no need for me to get into anything, but it was really quiet upsetting that some of the nicest people are so disrespected and then so forgiving, understanding, and pacient, and then disrespected again and lied to their face, when their best friends are able to tell the nice on that they truely are lying. it's so ridiculous, but things were fine, and I'm glade.

After the show me emma and Erica went back to Emmas house and Pawee, Aj, Christian and Pauls friend came over.
I was so happy to see Paul, I hadn't seen him in wayyy to long and it was nice riding in his car and chillin in Emilys living room with him.
Aj and his friend were here too and it was splendid.

I felt bad though because I was going to chill with Eddie, Aj, and Nick afterschool, but it didnt happen. Hopefully later. Those kids are ridiculous and I love it lmao. Ohhh and I also started talkin to Matt again! stoked! I havent talked to him in way to long and it was really nice to catch up with him =D

Besides thatttt I actually sleep for 13 hours...made of up the 3 hours Wednesday and 1:30 hours Thursday....whatevs..who sleeps?

Things are okay and I'm good with it.

oh and i love waking up too grape juice and cookies. thank you emily and Christain!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 02:35:06 GMT

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 06:14:36 GMT

Is it enough to be happy with yourself?
I've been trying so hard to be okay, and putting in so much effort, to make sure I'm happy, and I truely like the person I am.
I feel that there is no one else who is willing to put so much effort into not being a selfish egosentric person, and I always care about other people.
I have all these good qualities and improvements, but something still makes me feel unreal and so distant from everyone else, and I dunno if thats just who I am.
I've realized that dwelling on things is a waste of energy, and I try to not dwell on things, and I always put things into perspective, some how something in me is wrong, and for once I can put my fingure one it.
but now I don't feel anything, and some how I'm okay with it.
I dont hurt as much, but now the word empty, is a totally new feeling than before.
There is no reason for me to be sad. I'm okay with how everything is in my life, except how I feel, beccause I never feel truely happy...or remotely happy.

Thursday-Sat I spent at Emilys, and it was really nice being able to talk to her. It was refreshing having her understand so much rather than most people who would be totally oblivious to what I was saying. People don't realize how smart she is...doesnt matter if she plays pokemon with me...were intellgent. I'm not even kidding. Im pretty sure she kept me sane though the weekend.

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I ~~can'~~t stand

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 01:27:09 GMT

"What difference does it make
to the dead, the orphands and
the homeless, whether the mad
destruction is wrough under
the name of totalitarianism
or the holy name of liberty
or democracy?"

beep.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 01:28:00 GMT

Ughh.
Soo, I've been feeling a bit better, probably thanks to Emma.
School this week, hasn't been as bad as last week..still not doin to hot in math..eee.
Friday was nice, me and Emily talked for a long time, basically two classes.
We just basically told eachother everything we'd been thinking. It was nice to let it all out and have someone actually know what I was talkin about.
Friday after school, I just went home and relaxed. I've been so tired latetely >_<
But then I ended up going to Eddie Munsters house with Aj and friends, it was hilarious as always. lmao. Then after we dueled it out, Emily and Joelene came and picked me up and I spent the night at Emilys house.
Me, Beanie, and Joelene were all dancing around her kitchen making food and laughing, when her dad comes in..and starts dancing with us...lmao. best time of my life. it was seriously the best I felt in a while, just cause everything was so incredibley rediculous.
Her dad made us laugh nonstop all night.
but it was all good, we watched mash and went to bed =]]
I love all of them.

mmm. now I have to study for midterms....and not fail...oh good.

ps. fuck you nick for killing my Evee.

a rant that probably makes no sense.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 04:42:58 GMT

Everything,
I so incredible hard lately.
Half the time I can barely remember my name.
Its so hard for me to know that I put so much of myself, into making sure I dont hurt anyone and that I will be a truely good person.
I am one of the only people I know, who honestly thinks about how what they do might affect others before doing something, anything. Being like that, isnt the hard part, but the energy that it takes away from me is amazing. all I want to do after school is sleep.
It depresses me, how little I can count on friends, either because they dont think of me and how I am feeling, or because they have to much on their mind adn too little energy to put out energy for me, which is understandable but frustrating.

School...isnt going over well. Im failing about four classes, I can never pay attention no matter how hard I try. I do care how I do in school, I do care about my future, and I do try, and I'm failing. I have no more energy to do anything any more.
16 years of trying not to kill my mother, has caught upto me within the last month, and I can honestly say, I have never been sadder, lonelier, or felt more unneeded and wanted, in my entire life. and to be honest I have no idea whats keeping me here.
I've started seeing a psyc. and have been digonoised with, chronic post tramatic disorder, severe to moderate depression, survivers guilt, and ...ADD..go figure caused by stress and anxioty.
Now that Ben's gone, I feel like I am the messed up child, but I'm not, its just the way I am.
I know why I'm always sad all the time, but its not something that can be changed.
not medicine, not more friends or company. unless reality changes, which somehow i can tell its in no hurry to do..this is how it is, and I have excepted that. but its depressing to have realised that this is how it is going to be.
I really dont know what to feel any more.
I just never know what real.

Weekend

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 00:44:51 GMT

I dunno what happened this weekend.
But it was so bad for everyone.
I think people mistake how "strong" I am.
Because they know how much I care about them, but sometimes it to much for me.
I've had so much fighting and problems inbetween all of my bestfriends.
and they put me in situations that I cant handle at all.
They dont even realize it, but every single one of them has hurt me in the last week.
But then again without I dunno where I would be.
Friday night, I had so much going on all week.
I was trying to make everyone feel better, and I know I need to learn to stop caring so much, everyone tells me that, but I cant help it.
I hate seeing my friends upset, because they are all amazing, and none of them deserve to be miserable, so I lsiten to them,and try to help them, and I listen to there stories, and I worry about them.
By friday, no one I was helping was feeling any better.
I was miserable and lonely as hell, because some how I am never good enough.
So friday I tried to stick it out all day, but i hurt so bad in school.
In every way possible. I was ready to cry because my back hurt like hell.
After school, I went to Ajs house because hes a fuckin human drug, and felt better for a while. Aj and Emily wher ether too, and david came down later.
But I worry about some of them. So i was getting stressed out all day. [by the way it was davids birthday. happy birthday] and by the time I got the mall. I could barely breathe. I didnt know what was going on.
I had so much shyt with my family and friends in the front of my mind, it was all there, and i couldnt pay attention to any one.
Emily and AJ thought I was on coke, but I wasnt at all.
I had just been at Davids house with Nelson, and david...wasnt all there.
And I felt like shit and didnt know what to do, so I met up with Emily
and basically broke down.
I sat down on a benched, and Josh put his arms around me and let me just cry my eyes out on his shoulder. Him and Aj are so amazing. I dont know where I wuold be without them.
They seriously sat there and wipped tears away from my face. I will never forget, how much better I felt sitting next to them and espeically Emma. I know I would be fine in a little bit, I just had to get everything on my mind out. and I did. We went outside and I did bad things..but I couldnt breathe, so it helped more than it should have.
After I went back to Ajs house and sat on his deck, and talked. It was nice.
I went back to emily house and we listened to something corporate dvds, which are amazing by the way. and we went back to ajs house with Joelene Josh and Lil Aj and someother kid Greg. That was alright, but not as relaxing as I had hoped. Both Joelene and Emily were feeling shitty. And joelene had been kicked out of her house for the most retarded reasons ever, so she slept over my house.
She fell right asleep and I went to bed a bit later.
Sunday we decided that since we had no friends we were going to hangout with Dan Bradely.
and we had a good time.

but there it is..my weekend.
Today, was just as good =]
I dont really know what to think.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 04:09:36 GMT

soo frustrated.